I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
