he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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