I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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