Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I'm both gender and math confused
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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