I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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