I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
