am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
