Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
God I need to hump something, right now.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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