if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
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