apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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