my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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