You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
