Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
