I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
And then he peed in my hair
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