Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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