i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
