I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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