a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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