my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
