The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
