somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
