Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
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