Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
