So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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