i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
