sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
