I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
