unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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