I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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