I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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