He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
