Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
