there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
