So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
