ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
So many bounce houses so little time
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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