Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
