Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
