I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
