do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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