I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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