Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
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