I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Randomize
