YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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