That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
