drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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