I think im going to throw up on grandma
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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