My hand turned me down
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
