Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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