I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
