Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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