Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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