We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I think i got beer on your cat.
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