u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
