This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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